Why the hell are you jumping through all these goddamn hoops with sidechains, altcoins, and whatever bullshit "Ethereum killer" is trending this week when Ethereum's been sitting there, ready to go, since 2015—and now, after the Fusaka upgrade, it's faster and cheaper on the base layer than ever before?
You've gotta be kidding me, asshat. Do you even fucking know how to deploy a smart contract directly on mainnet without hiding behind some fragile bridge or centralized sequencer?
Here, little shit, is your token:
pragma solidity ^0.8.0;
contract MyToken {
string public name = "Fucking Token";
string public symbol = "FTKN";
mapping(address => uint256) public balanceOf;
uint256 public totalSupply = 1000000 * 10**18;
constructor() {
balanceOf[msg.sender] = totalSupply;
}
function greet() public pure returns (string memory) {
return "Just use Ethereum, motherfucker";
}
}Tattoo this code on your forehead so you'll remember when you look at your fat face in the mirror every morning.
This Ethereum shit is the fucking Energizer Bunny of blockchains. It just keeps going and going, no fancy migrations required every six months. And now with Fusaka live—PeerDAS making data availability stupidly efficient, massive blob increases coming, and L1 gas limits pumped—your transactions are screaming fast and dirt cheap right on mainnet.
No more excuses about "high fees" or "congestion." Fusaka crushed that bullshit. Your precious alt L1 is still halting like a drunk toddler or centralized as fuck, while Ethereum mainnet is handling real volume without breaking a sweat.
It's been here since the ICO mania of 2017, survived The DAO hack, multiple hard forks, the crypto winter of 2018, the DeFi summer of 2020, the NFT explosion, the merge to Proof of Stake, Pectra earlier this year, and now Fusaka making it unstoppable. It'll still be standing tall when your favorite altcoin is just a dusty rug-pull footnote in some poor bastard's transaction history.
Ethereum doesn't need your permission to keep running. It doesn't need a new roadmap every quarter. It doesn't need celebrity endorsements or viral TikToks. It just fucking works—better than ever.
Remember Terra? That "stablecoin" ecosystem that was gonna flip Ethereum? Yeah, it flipped alright—straight into a $40 billion crater. Remember all those VCs pumping it as the future? They're quiet now.
Remember EOS? Raised $4 billion in an ICO to build "Ethereum but better." Where the fuck is it now? Collecting dust while Ethereum processes more value in a single day than EOS has in years.
Remember Cardano? Still waiting for those smart contracts they promised in 2017. "Peer-reviewed research" my ass—they're peer-reviewing their way into irrelevance while Ethereum ships upgrade after upgrade.
And don't even get me started on Binance Smart Chain. Centralized as fuck, run by one exchange, and you call that "decentralized"? You're not building the future, you're building a casino with extra steps.
Solana? Cute outages every bull run. Your "fast" chain can't handle a memecoin frenzy without faceplanting.
"But muh TPS! But muh low fees on my alt L1!"
Shut the fuck up. Ethereum mainnet post-Fusaka is cheaper and more scalable than your garbage L1 ever dreamed, with actual decentralization and security that doesn't vanish when the founder tweets something stupid.
You're not "avoiding Ethereum fees," you're avoiding Ethereum security. Congratulations, you saved a fraction of a cent and risked your bags on the next exploit or outage.
Perfect for screaming your main points at the top of your lungs, like "FUCK ALTCOINS!" or "MAINNET IS KING NOW, DIPSHIT!"
Still loud enough to tell your subpoints to sit down and shut the fuck up.
For when you need to whisper some passive-aggressive bullshit. Small, but not small enough to ignore, like that fucking centralization risk in your "decentralized" chain that haunts your every block, or the fact that your favorite L1 has like 12 validators all running in the same AWS region.
So keep jerking off to your latest tech fad, chasing the next 1000x narrative. Ethereum's over here, sipping whiskey, watching empires rise and fall, ready to outlast your entire portfolio and your grandkids' portfolios.
Oh, here comes the genius motherfucker with the big-brain counterargument: "Well, if Ethereum's so great, why not just use Bitcoin for everything, huh?"
Wow, look at you, you clever little prick. Did you come up with that all by yourself? Running full DeFi, NFTs, DAOs, and complex apps on Bitcoin is like using a fucking abacus to build a supercomputer: sure, it'll get the job done eventually, but you're gonna look like a complete asshole waiting years for the ordinals to settle and paying $100 in fees for a simple inscription.
Bitcoin is digital gold. Ethereum is digital oil. You don't build factories out of gold, genius.
Stop reinventing the wheel. The blockchain world was doing just fine before your bloated layer 1s crawled out of the sewer with their "innovative" consensus mechanisms that nobody asked for.
Every cycle it's the same shit: "This time it's different!" No it's not. It's the same greed, same hype, same inevitable crash when reality hits.
Ethereum isn't sexy. It doesn't have the highest TPS on paper forever. It doesn't have the slickest marketing. But it has something none of your shitcoins have: time. Proven, battle-tested, unstoppable time in the market—and now the tech to back it up on L1.
It has the most developers. The most dApps. The most TVL. The most mindshare. The most liquidity. The deepest composability. The strongest network effects.
You can keep chasing the new hotness. I'll be over here, building on the thing that's actually going to be around in 2030.
Just fucking use Ethereum.
Seriously. Stop overcomplicating this shit.
Just. Fucking. Use. Ethereum.
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